Levang,
Elizabeth. When Men Grieve.
Minneapolis: Fairview Press, 1998.
Introduction
Levang’s
“When Men Grieve” explores different variables that effect a male’s perception
of grief. Despite our best efforts to escape grief everyone at some point will
suffer a loss of an attachment. When this loss occurs men and women go through
different feelings and stages of grief in different ways. Among these feelings
is the belief that the individual’s world is standing still. Yet, men and women
handle this emotion in various ways based upon the cultural expectations and
gender specific roles. These reactions are explored in Levang’s work as she
provides an insight into the development of these trends and behaviors. In
addition, the author provides suggestions in how to help males and females work
together through their pain.
Benefits
One
of the main benefits the author provides readers is the understanding that one
cannot escape or ignore their feelings. Despite our best efforts many people
attempt to escape the emotions associated with loss. This notion is especially
common among men. Yet, these feelings manifest themselves in various ways. Some
individuals turn to substance abuse to deal with their pain, while others close
themselves off from the world. Although society knows that substance abuse has
many negative side effects, the reality is that many people chose this as a
means of escape from their emotions.
Levang introduces the idea that many
men attempt to avoid their own feelings of grief by immersing themselves in
their work or other activities. Some men bury themselves in busyness so as to
avoid dealing with the pain, which often leads to built-up resentment and
dysfunctional relationships with others. Regardless of the method males use to
avoid emotions, typically private means are preferred. Further, the male role in
society is often perceived differently than the female role, especially with
regard the display of outward emotions.
Males often feel the need to repair
the pain that their female counter-part is feeling. Yet, many men fail to
realize that this pain is not something that can easily be repaired. Moreover,
the inability to fix their female counter-parts further makes them feel as
though they have failed. Among the emotions attached with failure include anger
and frustration. Many men become mad at the world, as they cannot control the
circumstances and pain associated with loss. In contrast, women exhibit more outward
signs of vulnerability during these uncertain times, which will often elicit
the help of others. The male remains suffering in silence while remaining
frustrated that he cannot repair the damage done by loss.
The author addresses the concept
that men are not groomed to grieve. For men there is no language associated
with grief. Women are more likely to openly express how they feel. Men,
however, are bound by societal norms and expectations to keep their feelings
bottled up. At a young age boys are often conditioned to keep emotions to
themselves so as not to appear weak or feminine. For example, rarely do parents
give their little boys dolls to nurture. Instead, parents often choose toys
that demonstrate power over others such as army men or big trucks. These actions
exemplify the notion that society grooms males to be independent, powerful and
unemotional. However, males experience a double standard in that they are not taught
to express their feelings yet are expected to in times of crisis. This can lead
to confusion and frustration during volatile times of grief.
Limitations
The
symptoms of grief are exhibited in different ways based upon gender; however,
the notion that women grieve publically and men privatize their grief often
causes conflicts in the relationship. The author fails to recommend strategies
in helping to rebuild relationships that have been shattered by grief in this
manner. Prevention is important, but the author would do well to address those
who have already been affected by this gender gap. To her credit, Levang acknowledges that men
and women can work together to expand their relationship and expedite the
healing process. However, the grieving process can take an indefinite period of
time. Most clinicians estimate that the painful
emotions associated with grief last approximately two years. This period of
time can cause irreparable damage to the couple’s relationship. Moreover, the
author fails to emphasize that grief can be a life changing event for everyone
involved regardless of the steps taken to prevent certain responses. As people
change the relationship needs to adapt, which may not always be a negative
thing. However, one is fooling them self
to presume that tragic loss will not affect relationships even when counsel is
sought and preventive measures are taken.
This work does not fully address how
to change the stereotypical mannerisms males exhibit in society. As a culture
we often realize that we are grooming our children to behave in certain
manners. However, few people acknowledge the damaging effects of being overly
gender stereotypical of males or females. These harmful effects are often
exhibited when a male suffers a great loss and is lacking the tools to know how
to express his emotion and deal with the pain.
Moreover, how do we as ministers help males to talk about their grief,
as these very concepts are perceived by society to be a weakness? Further, how
do women expect their partners to be able to fulfill these contradicting roles?
The author fails to provide much in the way of answers or suggestions for these
relevant questions.
Conclusion
In his work, Levang addresses common
trends that affect males in the process of loss. The author acknowledges that
no two people grieve alike. However, males and females exhibit different
behaviors when suffering the loss of an attachment. The author provides the
reader with an understanding of how these behaviors are formulated through societal
acceptance and strategies for helping males both single and married work
through their pain. This book is a good resource for those counseling men or
couples through the pain of loss.
